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Anive
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Anive

Female Number of posts : 16

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PostSubject: Sneak Peek   Sneak Peek EmptySat Apr 11, 2009 5:36 pm

Here's a couple paragraphs of the story I'm currently working on

I hope you enjoy

Any questions or comments are absolutely welcome

NO STEALING MY STORY!

Here it is


The Inevitable War
By: Anive

The city stood in ruins while Anive rested on the grassy outskirts, the sky ominous and grey above. Bombs had fallen upon this once prosperous town throughout the long evening. The destruction was immense. All that remained, in place of the glass plated skyscrapers, houses of the wealthy and poor, buildings of learning and small businesses, and parks once filled with joy and laughter, were grey heaps of memories, good and bad. The air smelled of sulfur, gun powder, and burning flesh. All that could be heard were the faint screams of the dying in excruciating pain, the crackling of dying fire, and the crumbling of buildings. This horrific event had ended life as they knew it, and began a new era.
1
Two years ago

A low roar of vehicles taking their passengers to their destinations, the slight drizzle of icy snow falling upon the pavement, and the rotten smell of decaying waste spread throughout the bustling city. Its inhabitants were too caught up in their own minuscule lives to notice the young, dehydrated and dying woman amongst the rubbish. She wore a tattered black potato-sack like dress, a worn out trench coat, and broken black leather shoes. Her ebony hair lay mated and greasy upon her head. Her skin was pale as death and sickly. Though these were the features humans would notice first, there was more. The iris' of her eyes were a blood red. Her fingernails were as sharp and strong as hawks talons. But her most notable features were her deathly sharp fangs.



Blessings


Last edited by Anive on Sat Apr 11, 2009 9:47 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Luinbariel
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PostSubject: Re: Sneak Peek   Sneak Peek EmptySat Apr 11, 2009 8:05 pm

Just some tweaks, quick edit. Please don't take it the wrong way; as an aspiring writer myself I know that I appreciate constructive criticism and so that's what I'm passing on.

"the slight drizzled of icy snow" should be "the slight drizzle of icy snow"

The first sentence of the second paragraph posted here is incomplete; it starts off "a low roar of vehicles taking their passengers..." and goes on to describe the weather and the local smell, but it never finishes the thought about the vehicles and their passengers. It doesn't make sense as it is now.

"Its inhabitants WERE too caught up in their..." (were was missing, makes more sense this way)

"potato-like sack" should be "potato-sack like" to make better sense.

Otherwise it seems to be pretty good so far; if you wanted to stretch it out a little you could add more descriptions, especially in the prologue where there is talk of bombing. It's fine as it is if a little too straight-forward, so some additional descriptions there could add some more to the scene and draw the reader in more.

My only other suggestion is to break up sentences into smaller blocks of text, it's easier to read.
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Anive
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Anive

Female Number of posts : 16

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PostSubject: Re: Sneak Peek   Sneak Peek EmptySat Apr 11, 2009 9:42 pm

For the prologue, it's actually the end of the entire series and the rests of the description for that will come at the end

It does a circle where it goes from the end to the past and leads back to the end

but as for the first sentence in the second paragraph, it was meant to read like that, it's just giving a general overview of the city. Maybe I'll fix it

Thank you very much for your comment, I hadn't even noticed that

Blessings
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Luinbariel
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PostSubject: Re: Sneak Peek   Sneak Peek EmptySun Apr 12, 2009 9:03 am

No problem. Good luck!
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Anive
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Anive

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PostSubject: Part 2 of Section 1   Sneak Peek EmptyTue Apr 14, 2009 5:11 pm

Well, here's the rest of section one

I might not post the rest of the story, so do read more you will have to ask me personally (by PM).

I hope you enjoy, and feel free to question and/or comment

The woman lay cold amongst the worthless garbage, slowly hypnotizing a grey feral alley cat into a trance of deep relaxation. Her mouth was dry and her body was weak. She needed the blood of this beast, and had spent years of perfecting the technique of luring the creatures towards her in order to extract the red liquid from them. These feral animals and strays were her main source of nourishment, without them she would be in a deep coma.
As she stared into the cats golden eyes, she sang a sweet, relaxing lullaby to the creature. The feline slowly staggered towards her and tumbled in a heap upon her chest, breathing deep and slow. The woman, Anive, slowly reached up, grabbed the cat by its scruff and cut a small but deep incision in its flabby neck with her sharp nails. Red heaven, to the woman, seeped through the cut. Anive raised the cat up, placed her dry ruby lips around its bleeding neck and sucked in the liquid desperately, her body feeling instantly rejuvenated at the sweet and salty taste of the poor beasts blood.
As she finished drinking the body dry of its life, she laid the creature down gently upon the waste and wished it peaceful travels. Anive then rose slowly and weakly, her legs wobbling slightly before she was able to steady herself. She looked towards the bustling city, and then slowly staggered out into the harsh misunderstanding world.


C NO STEALING!


Blessings
[i]


Last edited by Anive on Tue Apr 14, 2009 6:05 pm; edited 3 times in total
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crzblu3y3z
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crzblu3y3z

Female Capricorn Number of posts : 20

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PostSubject: Re: Sneak Peek   Sneak Peek EmptyTue Apr 14, 2009 5:24 pm

Constructive critisism
"...and had spent years of perfecting the technique in the city. These feral animals and strays were her main source of nourishment, without them she would be in a deep coma."
Specify the technique and do into detail on the coma
"The woman, whose name was Anive," - i think we established this in the first part so there is no need to establish this again
and sucked the liquid of a cat passionatly- i may have a different idea/thought of what passionatly looks like- and doing that to a cat...
i would use a different wort then dirtied feet- dirtied isnt really a word- maybe use scraped and grungy or filthy or go into detail about how the feet are dirty.
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Valkyrie
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Valkyrie

Female Leo Rat
Number of posts : 534
Birthday : 1984-08-06
Age : 34
Location : Canada

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PostSubject: Re: Sneak Peek   Sneak Peek EmptyMon Apr 20, 2009 8:47 pm

This could be the workings of a major storyline here, so it's good!

Some general comments here, you tend to skip over a lot of what is happening. How did it get this way? You need to do some flash backing here to explain how in the heck it got here, how Anive ended up here, blah blah blah.

Also, while I like writing in omniscience, I find it just doesn't do the job very well. How does she feel? What is she thinking? You need to get into her eyes and see the world from them. So far it's just a little bland and I'm not in her emotions. So far nothing about her heart beat, her dizzy mind . . . . her anger, or weakness, etc. etc. Draw the people in a little more by getting into the characters, into how they think, what makes them tick, and of course, how they see the world through their eyes. You can do this with many characters in the omniscient state, just do it right after quotes by them, or when the scene is focusing on their actions versus others actions.

I hope that helps!

_________________
Blessings,
Valkyrie

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